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[26 Jul 2010|07:25am] |
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I feel like i only ever write on here when i'm struggling with staying clean. i don't know why it's so hard for me right now... i just have no ambition and i just don't want to go anywhere or do anything. i just want to be stuck for some reason... i can't explain it. like, i feel like i want to fuck my life up in a way that i won't be able to move forward for a while. i don't know why. maybe because i haven't been moving forward regardless for a while and i'd rather blame it on being a junkie than on my own shortcomings. not many people know that i slipped up for a while. there's one person in particular that may read this that probably shouldn't know that, but i don't care. i have nothing to hide. addiction is a disease and i'm just ill. so ill. i fucked up for a while and got kinda bad again, but i've been trying to stay clean for the past month with some decent success. but right now i don't have any bags, no empty bags left to scrape, i ate all my suboxone already, and i'm so fucking sick. no one knows what sick is until they've been dope sick. i'd rather be tortured until death like in the hostel movies or in the saw movies than feel one more day of dope sickness. i'd rather fucking kill myself, honestly, but i know there's too many people that love me, so i don't. i'm not suicidal anyway, it's not really my forte. god, tonight has been the worst i've felt in so long. i was going to sleep over my friend brookes house, but i started withdrawing. i thought it would be just fine, because i had several suboxone to keep me feeling fine. i took one around 9pm or so. i held it in until it dissolved, even though its fucking disgusting and id much rather inject heroin into my veins, but i know taking suboxone is for the better. so after it dissolved i didn't really feel better, but i figured it was iight cuz sometimes it takes a little while. i waited an hour. after an hour, i felt fucking worse. so i took another half of a suboxone. i waited another half our or so and i still was not relieved of the oh so delightful usuals. feeling freezing, then so hot that i'm sweating bullets, then getting so cold that i put layers of clothes on and wrap myself in a huge blanket and still feel cold, then back to being drenched in sweat. and of course the head aches, and horrible stomach cramps and general uneasiness and queaziness, feeling like i'm going to simultaneously throw up and shit myself. the impossible to explain, but incredibly uncomfortable sensation of being able to feel every single inch of my body, especially my face... (its really hard to explain... but trust me, it fucking sucks and makes it impossible to be touched or to smoke a cigarette, because it makes my whole mouth feel awful.) and the aches, oh god the aches in my hips especially... and i've saved the best for last! the two sole reasons why i can't handle withdrawling. why i want to fucking kill myself. why i wouldn't wish this horrible sickness on my worst fucking enemy. firstly, restless leg syndrome. not any ordinary restless leg syndrome, but just about the most uncomfortable RLS you could imagine. when you're withdrawling, you want to just lay down so bad. but the RLS makes it impossible to get comfortable or to stay in one position for more than 15 or 30 seconds. it makes it impossible to sleep, and when you're withdrawling overnight, you'd sell your soul for a few hours of sleep so that you don't have to deal with this bullshit. RLS is my worst enemy. i sit there shaking my legs violently and tossing them all over the place. as if somehow, there's going to be some magical position i can lay in that will cure the RLS. the RLS makes time pass slower. i think if it weren't for RLS, i really wouldnt give a shit about quitting. i'd be totally cool with it. i can handle puking (not any ordinary puking, mind you. the most violent, painful, acidic vomit you can imagine. you can't eat at all, of course, so its almost always all bile. just bile and dry heaves.) and i can handle everything else. i'd be able to sleep at least some of it off. but the RLS drives me insane. any time i've done something horrible, drastic, dangerous, or demeaning in order to get dope it's mostly been because of the restless leg syndrome. i've stolen, i've robbed my friends, i've walked hours, i've lied, i've gone down to the city, alone, anywhere from 7am to midnight, and i'm a five foot tall little girl that weighs 100 lbs and to top it off, to say i look as old as 15 or 16 would be pushing it. when people guess my age, they say anywhere from 12 to 16, and i'm 20 years old. anyway, i've gone down to the city alone (by train) bright and early in the morning or in the middle of the night on multiple occasions. i've shared needles when i didn't have one (i'm actually the most anal person about this, though, usually i wont even share water, like cuz everyone sticks their needles in it and i think thats disgusting, but there has been once or twice when i was about to do it and my needle broke or something like that, so i had to use one of my friends'. ive only shared three times, and all three of those people had been tested, and ive been tested since and came back clean as a whistle. i felt like i had to defend myself about this a little, heh.) i've shot up walking down the street, in just about every bathroom from here to philly, on a moving train, at train stations, in alley ways, in moving cars, and in parks. i've done all of these horrible things and more, and in most of these moments of desperation, the restless leg syndrome was responsible. THAT'S how bad it is. okay, anyway. the second of the two worst aspects of withdraw isnt physical. its mental. see, people say that heroin withdraw isn't "much worse than an ordinary flu." anyone thats ever said that has never withdrawled in their life. i can't describe to you how horrible the mental aspect is. its enough to seriously contemplate suicide. its the worst of all depressions, anxieties, and mental anguishes. when you become addicted to heroin, you stop producing serotonin naturally because the heroin produces it for you. well, without the heroin, if you've been doing it long enough, your brain literally has no serotonin. without serotonin, its chemically impossible to feel happy or to sleep properly. withdraw to me is one long panic attack mixed with the deepest of all depressions. its not uncommon for people withdrawling to attempt suicide, and this is why.
so anyway, i cant remember what number suboxone i was at. well to reiterate, i took one, then an hour later took another half, then like half an hour later took another half, then an hour later took another whole one. so i took 3 suboxone, aka 24 mg which would cause most people to overdose, and it did NOTHING. absolutely NOTHING. i don't understand why. brooke thought it could have been because i was drinking pure grain alcohol last night (everclear) and that the alcohol cancelled the suboxone out. so after a little while, i try so hard to fall asleep. i tried for at least an hour and a half or two hours, which in withdraw time is like 10 hours. every minute goes my sooooo slllloooooowwwwwlllyyyyy. time passes slower than it does in a boring class. i'll try to not look at my watch for as long as i can manage, and i'll think, that HAD to have been like at least 2 hours, and it'll have been like half an hour tops. so at this point i'm rollling around and tossing and turning, shaking and kicking my legs, crying and screaming out of frustration. finally, i've had enough of the torture and i decide on a whim that i need to walk. my legs were not going to stop, sleep was nowhere in sight. i still had a lot of time to kill until morning, too. so i gathered all my things and began the journey home, which is somewhere around a 35 to 40 minute walk. my legs didnt hurt anymore during the walk and it felt so great. usually when i make this walk, i'm dreading it and it takes foreverrrr. this time, time flew by and before i knew it, i was already at my house. so now i'm sitting here, at 6:30am, freezing cold, achey, legs restless, mind racing, wide awake, with nothing to do but suffer. i think i've said just about everything i have to say, though. luckily it took me a while and took up a whole lotta time. now i'm gonna try to lay down for a little bit... wish me luck.
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[30 Sep 2009|10:23pm] |
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my current playlist.
///ive never felt so connected to one song.
-lines by quarters-
If I get one life to live
I'm'a give it all I got
If I get the chance
I'm'a be who I am instead of who I'm not
When I die I want to be able to look up and smile
--think back on things I did instead of all the things I thought
x2
verse
I'm coming up a high school drop out
Always in the back of my mind trying to prove I wasn't just some cop out
One of those dudes that the girls are always trying to save
Whisper to you with tears in their eyes--while you're sleeping they pray
A new day, a new way of life led me to this place of mind
Peace of mind--no not yet but that comes with time
I'm turning around this crazy juggernaut I built
Swallow my pride, inside it slides down--this bitter pill
Window sill dreaming led me to believing
I had something beautiful inside
Something that I couldn't hide under covers at noon and ugly gray skies
Disguised my plans under shyness and waited
I am not empty I'm more like everything all at once
I am not crazy I'm more like burning through this life like the sun
These people are amazing and I'm gonna' keep learning my..
This place is everything and I'm'a keep learning my..
Lines (repeat)
So forget love; forget your money and drugs
I don't even sleep now because this shit isn't enough
So let's shine, let's live and die by these streets
Let's rhyme, you can sit back, puff lye to these beats
This is the heat; this is my intensity
My propensity for making the dollars and some sense of me
Theres something around the corner, got my head out of order
Got a mind full of lines and a pocket full of quarters
But I can't seem to rest, life is bringing up the stress
I test myself--endless--and catch as catch can
My nemesis emanates preeminently from my blood
I'm always changing trying to keep from forgetting who I was
And I forgot to love between indifference and hate;
Left who I used to be back in chaos and fate
I've been a lot of places, worn mad hats and faces
I'm young, twenty-one but I'm so close I can taste it
Lines (repeat)
I am a man and that means that I need a sense of purpose
Without that these words become worthless verses
Superfluous staple-spitting leads to nothing but more of the same
The game is about money and recognition of the big names
An ounce of pain goes into every line that I create
As I carefully extract the feelings from the lining of my brain
Cranium draining on to paper by way of pen's ink
I sink teeth into language with things I think
Time is slipping backwards like a reel of film
The images of days burned into the chemicals that spill
Frame by frame nameless faces stay the same
After years of restless changes and still they're staying.. still
Now I'm'a cut my ties and burn my bridges, ma
Never said I wasn't a little bit vicious, ma
Always found time to spit and write descriptive though
My hindsight is always dark and I'm'a keep spinning these..
////this song... yeah. kimya dawson is my conscience.
-wandering daughter by kimya dawson-
I am the wanderer's wandering daughter
wrestle the pestle for the sake of the mortar
i love as i breathe and leave as i live
my cast iron shield's a titanium sieve
and a castle that's built on confusion and doubt
is a nickel within and a dollar without
just when the shoes seem so big i can't win
i fill my own sneakers and take off again
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and i mix it with water
it's sunny it's sweet and i don't purple stuff it
one day by the way i met little miss muffet
i blew my mind with the stuff that i taught her
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
i said if a spider should sit down beside you
tell him your name and then tell him the truth
a great hairy spider appeared there and then
and the holes in my soul started letting in wind
i felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
she said i'm miss muffet i'm very afraid
but something inside me is making me stay
i know deep down that if i run away
i'll just meet more spiders and still feel the same
the spider he smiled and said how is this true
when i am so terribly smaller than you?
my web it just went in the way the wind blew
what i was in for i hadn't a clue
he touched her face gently with six of his legs
and licked from her chin a speck of curds and whey
when i was certain they'd both be okay
i tightened my laces and i walked away
as i walked away i was feeling excluded
wishing my impulses weren't diluted
the muscle i hustle is real for my friends
but the muscle i keep for myself is pretend
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
travel the land and i live like a martyr
the things that i do aren't the things that i teach
if i spend my time practicing when will i preach?
i do what i must as you do what you oughta
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and mix it with water
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
i'm lost and alone and i'm fair and i'm free
you am what you is and i are who i be
what i'm lacking in strength i make up for in smarts
you keep your stability i'll keep my heart
fear finds october emotions are juices
beat around bushes and make up excuses
go out for ceruleans come home with chartreuses
snip and cut bonsais and turn them to spruces
miss muffet called me and she said don't cry
real friends are friends until after they die
still i romanticize all this disorder
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
hop the next bus and run for the border
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
give you my life if you give me a quarter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
i've got to be moving along
///this song reminds me of when i dated mike.
-the beer by kimya dawson-
The beer i had for breakfast was a bottle of mad dog
and my 20/20 vision was fifty percent off
you said punch-buggy red and punched me right in my left eye
i said don't you mean pediddle? and i lit his house on fire
he came home on acid i was holding his shotgun
i was dressed like tina turner in beyond thunder dome
he said don't shoot, i said i won't i love you you're my friend
i handed him my wig and shot myself in the head
then i stuffed a box of tissues in the hole in my skull
i got in my mazda and i drove to the mall
i got a big johnson shirt and some silicone tits
when i pulled out the tissues they were covered with shit
and the beer i had for breakfast was a box of cheap white wine
and the boom box on my shoulder was a box of clementines
i ate every single one without noticing the mold
you said you're gross my darling, i said no i'm rock and roll
even though i'd never ever been in a band
i got cool as black ice tattooed on my hand
and the christians gave me comic books as if i would be scared
of burning in hell well i was already there
and the beer i had for breakfast silver bullet in the brain
and the beer i had for lunch was a bottle of night train
and the beer i had for dinner was my crazy neighbor's pills
we had to sit down on skateboards jut to make it down the hill
then i peed my pants and you stole the groom's cigar
and some old man made me watch him masturbate locked in his car
when i got back to the apartment you were face down on the floor
you said don't go to bed yet let's go get a 64
and the beer i had had for breakfast was a pint of jim beam
and a fifth of peach schnapps and some warm sunny d
and you said bottoms up just as i bottomed out
i tried to scream fuck you but blood was pouring out my mouth
evan dando never planned on telling you the truth
and your leonardo i.d. card is your fountain of youth
you can be a teenager for your whole fucking life
just find some pretty sucker and make that bitch your wife
i guess by now you all know my friends danny broke his neck
he was driving home from sirens when he got into a wreck
first i cried for him and then i cried for me
haunted by the ghost of the girl i used to be
but the rocks with holes are warm in my hands
and i buried my toes in the hot hot sand
and the silver pink pony kisses me and says
you've come a long, long way and you deserve to be really happy
I'm becoming a bit of an introvert. i mean, i'm not particularly shy or anything. i'm not hating people or anything. i don't know. i'm just... deep in thought lately. and my thoughts have never been the type that you can healthily be deep in. i wish something could bring me out of my head, or at least make my head hospitable.
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[01 Sep 2009|08:51pm] |
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i love rediscovering my favorite band. i haven't listened to bright eyes much since conor developed so much hype for being the typical 'sexy indie kid' that every indie girl is after. i started listening to bright eyes again though, recently, because, shit, bright eyes has been my favorite band for about ten years. fuck the fad induced frenzy.
some random bright eyes lyrics im feeling right now:
from 'a perfect sonnet':
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
from 'the calendar hung itself':
Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with hands
stretched towards the calendar hanging itself
but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed.
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.
the entire song 'a line allows progress, a circle does not.':
sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it's late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost--
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to
it's so easy-- it's so easy to
second guess everything you do
until all you want is all you want is to
to finish this half empty glass
before the ice all melts away
this feeling always used to pass
but seems like it's every day
it seems like it's every night now
from 'neely o hara':
You don't recognize behavior
Or the spelling of your name
And the shape that's in the mirror
Well you'd swear it's not the same
And like Neely O'Hara
You swallow your sleep
And you really can't remember
But you know you are not
think you are not
No, you are not who you used to be
from 'first day of my life':
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”
from 'contrast and compare':
group of kids, line of cars,
more will show up after the bars close
there’s this boredom that drowns everything.
bottles break, music plays, conversations competing for space
i look for a corner or a quieter room
there’s no heat in this house
i can’t breath with these words in my mouth
but i’m not going to say them
yeah, i’ve made that mistake before
on the stairs, she grabs my arm, says whats up,
where you been, is something wrong?
i try to just smile, and say everything’s fine.
from 'road to joy':
I have my drugs, I have my woman
they keep away my loneliness
My parents, they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses
I read the body count out of the paper
And now it's written all over my face
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes thats just the most comfortable place
So I'm drinkin', breathin', writin', singin'
Every day I'm on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But can't keep up with what I got
from 'waste of paint':
you're blind. You see,
no beauty could have come from me.
I'm a waste. of breath,
of space, of time."
from 'lover i don't have to love':
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure
I've got the money if you've got the time
You said it feels good
I said, "I'll give it a try."
...
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
there are plenty more than that. i guess it's easy to tell from those songs that there are other reasons why i've been listening to bright eyes lately. for some reason, whenever i'm depressed, i always want bright eyes to comfort me. not necessarily make me feel better, but make me feel like i'm not the only person in the world that feels this... this... neurotic. i was going to say hollow, because sometimes when i'm depressed i feel like there's nothing inside. but more often than not, i feel the complete opposite of hollow. i feel like there's too much to handle, to much emotion. so i guess i'm more manic or neurotic than depressed right now. i don't know, i don't even have the money for the $15 co-pay to go to therapy or even just get medication right now. it's never really helped much in the past anyway. i'm starting to think i'm never going to feel okay. i felt so fine for so long, for almost six months. i thought the way i've felt for about 9 years now had finally ended. but slowly it has crept up on me once more. its no coincidence that i've been clean from heroin for almost six months now. that's the main reason that my mentality changed all of a sudden. and i'm still clean. but i feel sick again. sick like i want to be sicker. i feel like i'm on the verge of crying at every moment. i feel like i just don't want to talk to anyone. i feel like i want to close myself up, both metaphorically and literally. i want to sit inside my house and lock the doors and stop answering my phone. i want to keep my pain inside until it gets worse and worse, to spite myself. when i feel sick like this, i really just want to get sicker. i've been craving heroin lately. not really craving the drug, even. i mean, hell, it IS the best drug in the world, but that's really not it. it's the lifestyle. it's the mindset. its the punishment and pain aspect. it's the fact that i want to feel empty again. i want to feel hollow. i've always said that only certain kinds of people will ever do heroin. heroin addiction really is a disease, or at least a disorder. it's a mental disorder for sure that happens to use heroin as its fuel. most people would never touch heroin, no matter how far into the drug culture they get. that whole this-leads-to-this won't lead to heroin unless you let it, or i guess if you don't understand the drug and know all about it. but in this day and age, you learn all that shit in d.a.r.e. in sixth grade, so most of us know at least that it's addicting as hell and know a few adverse effects of it, like withdrawal etc. so theres only one type of person that will knowledgeably get into heroin. i've met many dope heads and i can't remember a single one that didn't hate their lives a little bit. you have to be at the end of your rope. you have to feel like you have nothing to lose, like, if you do die or whatever, what the fuck do you care? your life was shit in the first place. i don't know. i don't want to have to get into it again and then have to quit again, because i don't know if i can quit again. plus i don't have any money right now, and i'd need to get a job. i don't know, i just feel destructive and i want to hurt myself somehow. i don't really wanna do dope again, but thats all that i can think of lately. i walked alone for the first time in a while today. steven is on vacation for a few days in the poconos with his dad and brother and sister. id say his family, but his mom is in the appalachian mountains and his brother is in jail. anyway, i walked alone today, and i felt so depressed. i felt like crying the whole time. i felt like i wanted to look like death again, weigh 90 pounds again. i weigh about 100 right now, maybe 102. which is still skinny, but it looks healthy. 10 pounds does a world of difference on a small body. i felt like i wanted to creep into a hole in the wall and shoot up or snort a bag like the old days, and walk around feeling numb. i wanted to waste away alone. i wanted to be alone forever. i love steve and our relationship is great right now. but thats when i always get like this it seems, when my relationship is great, in the past, thats when id ruin it on purpose. sometimes i just dont feel like i deserve being in a happy relationship. i don't feel like i deserve to be treated so well and loved so much. i wonder, what is there to love about me? what do they see that i don't? i start to feel like i deserve to get my heart broken. so instead, i break their heart, and in turn, break my own. i'm not going to do that with steven because i really feel like we're meant for each other. we've been together for over two years, and it would be retarded to throw away the connection we have and the life we've built together. i've never felt so comfortable around any other person, not even best friends. not even my family. he's not only the love of my life, he's my best friend. he's the only person i trust not to leave me in this whole world. everyone else is leaving me or has already left me. james and elyzah left and are in california. kate left and is in jersey. my mom is leaving and will be in south carolina. kelly is leaving and will be in florida. my dad is staying put, thank god, but he's been drinking again and is just.. different. i'm so mad he's drinking again. he was sober just a little longer than i've been sober. i guess all these things contribute to my current state. i guess its also because i have nowhere to live right now. im staying with my dad, but its not permanent and im sleeping in a reclining chair in a living room. i just cant wait for school to start. it starts tomorrow. i need something else besides my rotting mind to focus on. and school is definitely something i focus on hard. i need to work really hard this semester, because my summer class was only an A- and lowered my 4.0 to a 3.918. i cannot have 3.918, i won't allow it. it has to be a 4.0. call me an overacheiver, i don't fucking care. it just means something to me. so maybe once school starts, i can forget about all these feelings. i love college. its so different than high school. i just love it. im taking some retarded classes this semester... i kind of didnt register early enough.. i kind of registered a week before school started, whooops. im taking survey of english literature and french, those are the random weird classes. and im taking child psychology and educational psychology, which im psyched about both of those, no pun intended. i really hope school makes me feel better. i hope something makes me feel better soon. i really don't want to have to start going to therapy or anything like that. i just don't have the energy for that shit anymore.
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[24 Dec 2008|07:56pm] |
I never write in this journal anymoree.
probably because I don't want anyone to know what I'm thinking or feeling.
i've been looking so pretty lately, which is something I've never said to myself.
92.5 lbs-- I'm finally at a weight I am satisfied with. I look good in allll my clothes.
when I look good on the outside, it helps me ignore how I feel on the inside.
I did my xmas shopping todayy. I Got a little something for everybody I could afford. I miss when I'd get something forr everybody I knew. I don't care what I get, as long as everyone else has something to enjoy, I'm happy.
well, I stole a bunch of make up for myself. again, looking good on the outside let's me feel ok about the rest of my life. I guess its superficial of mee.
ok. I'll say it. I think Im as close to looking perfecttt as I'll ever be. I look like a tiny little pixie ^_^
& I'm not a scrawny bag of bones either! I'm still curvy & delicious looking.
Steve is torn. he can't resist me & says I'm sexier than ive everr been, yet he keeps telling me to eat more! jeez..!
kk byee.
<3
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[29 Mar 2008|10:47pm] |
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I've spent so long
in this purgatory-esque apathetic state.
Why should I fucking care?
I'm all spent out on years of pain.
Like a chainsaw's kickback.
Someday, maybe things will even out.
until then, I'm about ready for another dose of my true sweet love of [censor].
my thoughtless mind is more tasteful to me than my eternal spotless mind.
but nowhere near as beautiful.
I am burnt out on selling myself short.
"i think it's fine by me that i'm my own worst enemy."
i hate that I know myself too well now to believe that anymore.
it's so much easier to live as a martyr towards myself
than to take true responsibility
for my pointless self infliction.
TO SUM IT ALL UP.
i am a shit head.
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| // my life is illogical love and loss. |
[27 Aug 2007|11:13am] |
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sometimes lately i can't look at myself in the mirror. i can't look at my eyes.
i hate to think about how i look to other people right now.
i am sick with sin.
on an other note... i love you steven himes. you're so fucking amazing. you really are... when i look into your eyes, i don't even want to grind my teeth. as long as your holding me, i don't have to feel like my head is caving. i don't have to try to be happy. i don't have to try to feel numb, i just want to feel you.
i miss you michael either way. there's just something in my head that won't let go. it doesn't seem logical that i'd miss you at all. but i guess that's love, that's loss. that's life.
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[17 Mar 2007|01:02am] |
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today was in the top three longest days of my life...
i'm speachless.
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[13 Mar 2007|03:15am] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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I had something really good and meaningful written out... and i fucking deleted it somehow, i don't know. Basically, michael, i'm sorry. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that every single thing besides your lack of responsibility/ambition that is wrong with our relationship is because of me. In one way or another. I'm sorry, but you know what is wrong with me and still stay with me. Although, if you knew how bad it reallyy was, i dontt know if anyone would stay with me....
I scare even myself sometimes. whatever... I'm just sorry, okay? I know we've been really happy lately but i just can't get my mind off of....everything that has happened. I don't know why, and my mind refuses to change. i continue to try to open my mind up to alterier ideas, i've tried being numb, i've tried brainwashing myself, but for some reason it's so engraved into my brain to think the way that i think that there's just nothing i can do about it. I just want it to be like the beginning, where i had nothing bad to think about the two of us, all i had was a beautiful innocent boy, and the porch of all porches. You and i were the picture of bliss. We were one of those couples who... nevermind. I think describing it might make the memory less meaningful. All i know is, in the corner of every thought i have, i will always see those picture perfect days, where every single thing including the two of us seemed to be bathing in a golden light. I feel like if the memory were a tangible object it would be golden yellow like the sun and would be very warm to the touch.... and just thinking about it, i slowly cannot remember very many specific days... and this depresses me, so, so, so much... that time when we were the happiest is the only time in my life that i would ever relive. I'm so sorry that i ruined it... i will never forgive myself for that... i made me and you grow old by trying not to grow old with you... i'm sorry i had to be so immature... i know it seems like its okay right now.. But i feel so guilty for it not being like it was....
I love you, you will always be my love and my best friend, because we are S O U L M A T E S
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[09 Mar 2007|12:51pm] |
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0h_so_pretty ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR ACTIVE NEW MEMBERS AND SISTER COMMUNITIES.
CLICK HERE TO JOIN 0h_so_pretty.
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[09 Mar 2007|11:06am] |
WOAHWOAHWOAH guess who just realized LJ has that whole 'pictures' thing?!!
sucks i don't have a digital camera anymore... urghh. oh well, the most recent pictures are only from like 3 or 4 months ago. it's all good...
JGFHGDFGHJHGSSHFHHGGJ I MISS MY DIGITAL CAMERA.
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[22 Feb 2007|02:46pm] |
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mood |
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i hate you you lying piece of shit!
I FUCKING HATE LIFE RUINING SLUTS I HOPE YOU ALL GET FAT.
keep your filthy hands off of my relationship.
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[02 Aug 2006|08:38am] |
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mood |
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sick |
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i feel sick, is that okay with all of you?
i'm done trying to make myself happy because its completely fucking pointless. i hate this movie. why can't people obsess about each other and not me?
it made my head ache
it was that great
but now you its gone and life is wonderful..
theres no screamin, theres no listenin to
theres no schemin, theeres no missin you..
i want to just chainsmoke and make NOTHING all better.
i don't want to talk, i don't want to let people know how i feel, i don't care about what anyone thinks. i don't care. sorry. i want to just listen to the music i like and think the way i think and not be disturbed by motherfuckers telling me i need to change in any way because i might not be happy but at least i'm not dead.
then again i guess i might as well be.
you're so vain, i bet you think this entry's about you...or even has shit to do with whoever is reading this because it doesnt. this is just me. and its what ive always been so go fuck yourself.
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[01 Aug 2006|07:29pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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mikey, you're my soul mate and you seriously need to come back from your grandmas =(
oh baby you just called me ahhhhh i love you & your voice still makes me hold my breath<3
i kind of can't wait to bum you endless cigarettes.
lovecharlotte
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| why am i watching billy madison. |
[28 Jul 2006|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
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i smoke a lot of weed. i wish i had a blunt right now. i only have a joint. that's still awesome but it's not a blunt... haha.
i want to learn to speak russian.
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[28 Jul 2006|08:48am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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after having this lj for months, i'm finally attempting to bring the status back that i used to have on lj/dj. well dj is a lost cause nowadays, but lj is still kickin.
anywhoo, woo, summers almost ova and i havent done anything!! me and michael just sit around smoke pot and have sex . don't get me wrong, im not complaining about that, its just, it'd be nice to get out a little.
oh well. kiss kiss.
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[27 Jul 2006|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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join this supa cool rating community! unless you suck then die.
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